28 – the tiny bit of hope

What a year you’ve been, 2018.

All my plans practically went flying out of the window quite early on, and I was practically just drifting along with whatever The Universe was throwing my way, day by day. 2018 gave me the year in which I went on to do all the things I would have never even thought of doing, in both a good AND bad way.

The nosedive moments were particularly bad. It got so bad to the point that I came to the intention of offing myself. I’m still mildly horrified by the fact that I actually came to this decision and was somewhat excited to plan all this. It’s not like something big happened and hit me right in the face the way 2016 and 2017 had gone for me, in fact things were so.. flat. It seemed like nothing was going anywhere and yet the pressure just kept piling on and on, health-wise I was doing absolutely terrible, and I genuinely felt like I had nowhere else to go and saw no other way but to feel like a lump of rock sinking in the ocean. I was doubting my ability to even feel anything anymore.

And yet somehow, a lot of things suddenly started to happen (not sure if I should start listing them down here), and I came to the thought: you know what, I can actually get through all this. Sure, I felt a lot of pain along the way, but I actually felt something. I was still alive, after all.  I went on to realize that there is still so much left to see, to do, to feel. Goddamnit, if the Universe had decided that my time was enough, I definitely would have been done with by now. But nope, I’m still here and for whatever reason it is, I’m still serving a purpose by being here.

I guess to sum it up, 2018 has been the year that gave me so much love, taught me so much patience and got me through so much pain. What do I have planned for 2019? Nothing. I guess, I just need to keep going where the light is.  And fuck it, if I survived 2018, pretty sure I’ll be strong enough for 2019. Zero expectation, but I’ll be full of hope. Come at me, 2019.

 

27 – the plot twists

Have you ever felt so confused by how everything is turning into unexpected surprises to the point that you get a bit scared of even making plans?

The past few weeks have been rather topsy-turvy, and not necessarily in a good way. It’s like a lot of things going on in my life just suddenly decided to take a wild turn into completely different directions. I know I’ve mentioned this tendency in the previous post or so, but still. The magnitude of this week has been dizzying.

To be honest, I’m not sure this is how I would like to end the year. I try not to be sulky, but now I just don’t see a point in making new year resolutions. But then again, when do we ever get our way over Mother Nature’s wishes? The Universe works in so many different ways, and most of the time it won’t necessarily be the one you agree with. And the earth still spins.

One more week, Wins. One more week until the year ends. While I’m aware that things may not necessarily change for the better right away, but at least something will definitely change for sure.

26 – the love you save

“I think you have to allow people to love you.”

“I just see you as rather being too hard on yourself.”

“Sometimes I can’t tell whether you hate yourself or you’re just really constantly angry at everything.”

You know something needs changing when you get all of the above said to you by different people, within 24 hours.

It doesn’t take much for me to agree that I am my own worst critic. I still cringe every time I get reminded of how much I hated myself back then. Not sure how it came to be, but it turns out that my fight with self-hatred is taking an unbelievably long time to recover from.

From quite early on, I used to deny myself any sense of achievement and instantly tuck everything away in the “glitch in the system / pure luck” folder. Also, blaming myself for everything that happened around me came around almost naturally. Enter repressed grief and a relationship that I was not willing to admit that it was abusive, well.. self-love kind of just kept on sliding down the slope.

Now that I’ve come to think of it, no wonder things got physical for me. Being the psychosomatic mess that I am, the whole works went on. Stress rash, insomnia, liver problems, eating issues, and of course, the icing on the cake, the heart. I became the girl who was cradling a broken heart 24/7, figuratively and literally. And how did I cope with it? Why, through self-deprecating jokes of course. It was only a matter of time until the thoughts came creeping up on me. I’m just glad I’ve always been stubborn enough to just keep thinking “One more day. Just one more day, if that turns out real bad then we bail” (Which I’ve never done up to this moment. Thankfully).

I am getting help. I am working on myself. I am seeking forgiveness from my own being by deciding to finally start taking care of myself. It has been a continuous struggle, I admit, but I have to. I owe it to myself.

Seeing how I’ve always been doing things quite alright, let’s hope this one works out as well. No more relapse.

25 – the eye-opening shock(s) to the heart

Currently sitting in the same spot I’ve always sat on in this all-too familiar airport, I can’t help but to wonder how the hell have I managed to keep my head above water amidst the whirlwind of all weird events that have happened these past few weeks. That, and the fact that my flight might get cancelled since another flight heading the same direction just got cancelled (reason still unknown, but I’ll be damned if it’s the weather).

I guess I’ve finally had my life-changing moment (For the hundredth time, you might say, since my life seems to always take unexpected turns when anyone least expects it. But please bear with me for now.) and these past few weeks I had to learn a couple of hardcore lessons, which gave me the following takeaways:

Be at peace with yourself. The world is rubbish by itself and most likely already fucking you up, no need to add fuel to the fire by fighting your own mind. Accept that things are the way they are right now, and learn to live with it. It took me quite a while to come to terms with this, and I must say it has been my biggest changing point so far. Even problematic breathing becomes easier when you just acknowledge that it’s there and not try to fight it so much.

Time is never on your side. Whatever it is that you’ve been thinking of doing, do it right away. I’ve learned the hard way that The Universe never lets anyone know how long they’ve got, and in most cases, you might not be around long enough to catch up with that one agenda you’ve been putting off. The clock stops when it runs out of battery, but time doesn’t. Just get up and do it already.

The rest of the world won’t care. Now, I don’t mean to get emo and all, but in the end, not everyone will play along with your sob story. You might be at a grave disadvantage, or you might not be able to do some things most people are free to do. The sad truth is, not everyone will have the capacity, or just the will power to sympathize or empathize. As I was told a couple of weeks ago, “At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter whether you can keep up with the pace, the world doesn’t stop turning for anyone”.

Be thankful. Again, the world is absolutely rubbish right now and I’m sure a lot of people would agree with me on that. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be grateful for. If you’re reading this in a developed country, then this might not seem that much to you. But as someone who actually has to go out of her hometown just to get a whiff of fresh air, I can’t stress enough how this point matters.

I’ve never been much into self-help and getting all wise and shit, but dangit. I pretty much just died and lived to tell the tale. And when you gain new perspectives on life, you just gotta make sure you actually take notes, you know? Just had to post this to remind myself when I need it.

I’ll most probably get all ranty and mouthy come next post, but let this be for the record that I am actually really, really enjoying the fact that I am still alive now.

 

23. the random realization

Funny how things have changed so much within a few years.

I just woke up from my deep slumber, after losing sleep due to nightmares the previous night.

Surprisingly, I woke up feeling so thankful for being so-well rested. And also, I can’t help but to notice the stark change.

I remember a couple of years ago waking up at roughly the same time of morning, only to cry my eyes out due to the fact that I actually still had to wake up and didn’t just go in my sleep.

I see, this has been one of those times when you are really just grateful for the most random moments.

22. the (un)triumphant return

Well, well. Look who’s back here.

Yes, it has indeed been ages since I last wrote here. More than one year. And what a period it has been.

Some 1+year later, a few kilograms heavier, after a new job, some few more countries visited, some new people encountered, a new way of approaching life viewed, I guess now I can say, yours truly is back here to stay.

I guess the picture above sums up my life lately. Still somewhat blurry and out of place, but hey. If it feels good, then I feel good.

21 – the other plans

Japan was nice. Cold, but nice.

Truth be told, I wasn’t sure whether I was going until the weekend before. Not with all that was going on in my head. But then again, I had the tickets, reservations, visa, everything. I literally took off to the airport only thinking “Well, it would have been a bigger waste if I had ended up not going”.

In all fairness, it didn’t really take my mind 100% off of things. Especially not about you, in case you’re reading this (and I’m sure you know who you are).

However, it certainly was nice to get away from my own thoughts. God knows I haven’t been in the best mental state these days, and the trip really served as a good distraction. 7 days of only thinking about where to go and what new sights to see was definitely a much needed change.

And also, what better way than a 7-day trip topped off by a 7-hour flight to make me realize that I actually have other things to think about. It’s like the big blinking “JUST CHILL ALREADY” sign finally went on in my brain.

I’m not suddenly going to get all “I’m a world traveler” and the like, God knows when I’m going to even be able to secure another day of leave. But yes, this was a nice little sobering trip away from all the mess in my head.

Really hope there will be more chances alike, though I’m not sure when.

20 – the message you’ll never read anyway.

Dear you,

Hey. I know you’ll never see or read this, and that’s exactly why I posted here. Chicken shit, I know. But then again, straightforward communication has never been our strongest suit anyway.

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed what we had. I really did. ..Or at least what I thought we had anyways. For what it’s worth, you really know how to make someone feel special. I especially enjoyed the comfort of knowing that there is actually someone who seemed to understand me so well. I appreciate the fact that you always leaned in to hear me better instead of making me speak louder in a crowd. And of course, the sweet little nothing comments you give that always put me off guard. Every single time. I loved how you just successfully pull off the little things that matter. It’s like you managed to read through me so thoroughly, and not a lot of people have succeeded in doing so. And I especially love how you seem to pull that off effortlessly.

But here’s the thing : I’m letting you go, and I’m sure you know what I mean this time.

Continue reading “20 – the message you’ll never read anyway.”

19 – “just like an open book, a couple of words, that’s all it took”

 

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So I went to Neonlights 2016.

It has been a while since I last went to a gig (last time was.. Rolling Stones? oh Jesus, that was friggin’ 2014!), plus I nearly ditched the idea due to last-minute travel plan changes, plus the amazing rainstorm that welcomed me back in SG Friday afternoon. But you know what? I’m glad I decided to still go anyway.

Continue reading “19 – “just like an open book, a couple of words, that’s all it took””