40 – the walking contradiction

I almost find it comically ironic how I nearly screamed when the office e-mailed yesterday, telling everyone to go back to the office on May 26th. Ha ha some birthday gift, huh?

You probably could tell how I’ve been struggling with this quarantine from my previous post, but honestly I am not sure if I’m ready for it to be over this quick. I nearly howled reading that e-mail last night.

Tsk, Wina. When will you ever stop contradicting yourself so often?

[UPDATE: the WFH thing got extended. Yay, birthday at home!]

39 – the beat goes on

How many days has it been? who’s been counting by now, meh.

At least there hasn’t been any extension since the last post, I guess for now it counts as a positive development? IDK. Getting back to the office is still off the books for now, though. And that kind of sucks because the next time I get to step back to the office, it’ll be the new working space, none of us working under the big tree anymore. (OK, that tree was a huge logistic pain, but the sentimentality, Goddamn it!)

It just feels different. Relocating in 2012 was the biggest pain of my life back then. I didn’t even get to lift a finger now as everything was done for me. Of course, my anxiety has been dancing in the back of my mind since then but eh. Trust is the main factor here, let’s just hold on to hope that my team had packed everything, and by that, I mean every. single. thing.

Two weeks counting down to my birthday. Not that it matters that much, but I just feel kind of weird to be feeling celebratory right now. Yeah well, I guess let’s just see what happens by then, if it does.

Right. I know this post is pretty much just brain fart, but since I’ve made it a mission to keep this post streak going as frequent as I can, might as well, no?

38 – the extension that keeps on extending

Alright. This whole quarantine circus has just been officially extended until May 22. I wish I could figure out how to properly react to it, but in all honesty I’m just numb right now.

I’ve lost count on how many days it’s been anyways.

Well, at least now that Ramadhan is here, I’ll have something else to write about.

And also, May is around the corner. I hope the cycle of getting physically unable to get sad or feel down keeps on coming around this year. It’s been a rough couple of months for me, if anything I deserve a little birthday month feel-good. And I know it will happen. It must.

p.s: I finally counted back. It’s been day 42 today.

37 – the one month mark

Well, here we are. Hermit-ing it up at home, with nothing much to do except work. All month long. If there’s any clear message from all the mess currently going on that I can take, it’s that I should be extra careful what I wish for.

I remember thinking to myself these thoughts:

  • “Wow, I can definitely stay at home and not come out for ages”. Yeah.. Guess who’s bored out of her skull now.
  • “Screw the office life, give me something I can do every day at home and I’ll be happy”. Er.. Nah. Not that happy.
  • “Ya know, I’m actually pretty happy not having to be in touch with so many people”. ..Except that now I’m the one reaching out to them just to get whatever human interaction.

It’ s just.. weird. Weird in the sense that the introvert in me is beginning to question whether I’m still an introvert at all. Weird in the sense that as a self-proclaimed workaholic, work is absolutely driving me nuts. now. Weird in the sense that for someone who is supposed to be enjoying solitude, all I feel now is just plain numbness.

This whole thing just hasn’t panned out the way i had imagined it to be. And it’s just somewhat disappointing when what you have always thought as your perfect scene would turn out to be sucky. 

I mean, sure. there’s of course a flipside to everything that’s going on. like how I actually get to sleep properly nowadays, no more of that two-hours-of-sleep-every-day nonsense. I don’t need to fuss about my hair every single day and I have even learned to prolong the time between hair washes, which is something that I have never ever thought I would be able to do. Of course, now also comes the freedom for me to work with the music on loud. Also, for the record, working while wearing shorts is an absolute privilege. When the time comes, getting back into trousers and jeans might come somewhat problematic to me since I’ve been getting very accustomed to doing everything in shorts, and it’s just. so. goshdarned. comfortable.

But it’s just weird. I know I’ve said it in the paragraphs above, but I really don’t know how else to describe the whole condition right now. It’s just somewhat ironic, if not disappointing, seeing that I pretty much grew up wishing to be a hermit and now that I’m forced to be an actual hermit, just like everybody else, I’m not quite sure if I’m really enjoying this. It always ends up this way doesn’t it? We spend most of our lives wishing that we were somewhere else doing something else not having to deal with anyone else, and when it happens, we find ourselves not actually enjoying it that much. Cats have been getting it right the whole time. You spend most of your days wishing for something else comma and when it happens you just demand to go right back where you started the first time around. 

36 – the to-do list

Day 17 today.

Still not complaining (yet), but in my mind I’ve already got a number of things I plan on doing when all this virus drama is over, namely:

  1. Get a full medical check up and finally get that allergy panel test done and over with
  2. Paint my hair an outrageous colour (final result may vary lol)
  3. Get a full body (esp. back) massage, facial, all the works.
  4. Do a leisurely 5K around the block
  5. Return to the gym every 2 days. Mark my words on this.
  6. Stop leaving my shoes at the office.
  7. TRAVEL, GODDAMNIT.

I know that’s not a lot, but trust me. All that, and this girl will be her chippery self again. Well, at least that’s how I imagine it would be.

35 – the new normal?

I’ve always had this plan in my mind that my loft should be able to be my living space. And granted, day 10 of me sticking at home, it has proven quite alright at doing so.

But something just struck me this morning: How long is this thing going to stick around? What if this becomes the new normal? What if when all this blows over, people actually find it hard to get back to how things were?

Ah, to be (somewhat) young, homebound and overthinking..

34 – the forced reset

Not sure how to react to all this pandemic virus, what with this country holding the second highest mortality rate.

Trips canceled, work disrupted, bedrooms converted, what have you.

I’m supposed to be taking a break as of now, but hey. Apparently, the Universe needs that break more than I do and that’s what it’s doing now. Mother Earth is winning right now, and there’s nothing we can do.

But am I right in thinking it’s human for me to still be pissed that I’m not going to be in the UK as I should be?

33 – the tiny baby rocket that finally took off

Never been this excited in my whole life.

Sure, we must endure all kinds of fuckeries in laying down the foundations of this company, but how many people will ever get to build something grand from the ground up?

Bloody hell, if it gets me to dance in public for the first time in my life, I’m sure it’s something different.

This is it, gang. Time to soar to distances we normally would have never thought of.

32 – the apology from the misfit

Dear family,

I love you way beyond words. I really do. No words needed, I would take a bullet for you any given second. Unfortunately, I learned during this holiday season that you are the biggest trigger to my anxiety.

All this time, it’s been my life goal to devote myself to you. No matter how busy I get, family time should always be family time. I intend on still keeping it that way for years to come.

It’s just sad that some (if not most) of you are the ones who also have the freedom to make comments at me, though they may be harmless in intention, but nonetheless hurtful. And triggering.

It’s just gotten really exhausting having to freak out every night before a family function, being excited at the thought of not being alone and actually surrounded by family that will stick with me the entire time, but also terrified of thinking what kind of comments you will throw at me, and still unable to pick up the courage to admit to any of you that I’ve got problems.

And sadly, it looks that I’ll spend the rest of my life being a disappointment to you from having you think I’ve grown more and more distant and antisocial, when in actuality I’m just not sure how to let you down with the fact that I’m so far removed of what’s been expected me so far.

I swear, I’m not being the ignorant little ass that I must seem to be right now. I’m just not sure on how I should find the middle ground. I’m sorry. It’s hard when the only two members of the family I absolutely feel comfortable with are on the other side of the globe and in another universe altogether.

31 – the thing about spring

Funny thing they are, springs. Sure, you get them flowers blooming all pretty and whatnot, but you also still get the cold chill, you get the pollen allergy, rain and all. But then really, how can you mind it when it’s that pretty outside?

I went to the UK last month-ish. Anyone who knows me since way back then would know how major this is for me. Or at least how major that should have been. Liverpool and London, for 11 days. Sounds like the stuff I had been dreaming of since I was.. I don’t know, 9-10 years old? You’d probably guess that second sentence should’ve been “OMG YOU GUYS! I FINALLY GOT TO GO TO THE UK!”. Alas, of course something had to happen.. or some things, more like. Work just happened to become nearly unbearable. School exam got postponed to the exact week of my leaving. A certain little heartbreak happened. Health problems ensued.

I really hope nobody will ever get to feel the way I did just before boarding my flight. Knowing that you’re going to the place you’ve been dreaming of for a long long time, and not actually wanting to go at all, not sure if you’re going to want to do anything at all there. That felt utterly terrible, that much I can say.

As if it wasn’t enough, the weather in Liverpool was not sparing me any mercy at all. I’m a fairly tough girl, but under the need of serious medication and high fever after more than 24 hours of traveling, the slightest gust of wind sent me spiraling for a bit. I was so sure that trip was doomed right from the start.

Somehow, ironically, it was something told by the said heartbreaker that suddenly clicked within my head one day while aimlessly strolling through the city: “This is the spring time for you. Things are planted. Wait for them to grow”. I looked outside right away and the view was the one I had posted above.

Nobody could have told me that wasn’t a sign that things are going to turn around.

Sure enough, I started feeling heaps better and finally started enjoying the remainder of the trip. Even more so, the weather in London just happened to be lovely as I got there. I don’t care how Londoners said it was technically the hottest Easter they’ve had in a really long time, to me it was great weather, full stop. Bad mood and sentimentality (and also sickness) aside, I managed to have a great time and enjoyed myself. I finally got my chance to enjoy the UK. Best of all, I managed to ride out the intrusive thoughts and not come home a complete wreck.

You have no idea how thankful I am to have made this progress. Hey, any progress, no matter how small, is progress nonetheless. At least I got to claim this little victory for now. And damnit, this girl with a lot going on in her mind and body actually managed to balance work, life, and health. Tell me you wouldn’t be thankful if it was you. You can’t tell me I’m not getting better. I may not be much healthier now, but I’m definitely living with myself way better.