51 – the abrupt stop

This kind of post has probably gone way too common these past few weeks, if not months.
But Goddamnit, this is my blog, and I need to get this written somewhere.

I lost one of my best friends last Saturday. And knowing me, I absolutely don’t throw around terms like “best friend” easily. Not at all. And I just lost one.

If I can be selfish for a bit, it hurts to lose someone that has been your rock for nearly 20 years now. Someone who just totally understands you and accepts you for what you do and who you are, despite being your absolute, total opposite.

But this is not about me.

What hurts even more is that this time should have been a happy moment. Childbirth should be a celebration (A new family member, new hope and all, of course. Not so much the actual process, I’m afraid). Instead, a baby had to be born before coming full term, not getting proper care at the hospital because it’s simply too dangerous to stay there, and worst of all, not being able to have her mum for the rest of her hurriedly-started life. The family had to lose their only daughter. A husband, still shy of one year of blissed married life, had to lose his wife. The whole family having to let her parents be unaware of her passing, for fear of having their own health declining from shock, since they are fighting for their own lives in another hospital.

And I can’t even help in the least bit.

This is just not fair.

This bloody pandemic, I swear..

43 – the (indescribable) waiting period

Thoughts, they kill, don’t they?

Though I feel relatively fine, but during these times who the fuck knows. And of course, all the work I’ve been doing on my anxiety all came crashing down. Here I am, again the nervous wreck.

I really, really, really hope my fears get proven wrong.

In the meantime, it’s the waiting part that is choking me. A bit sad on how quickly I typed the “choking” part, when it’s only the first day of waiting out of possible five. It’s been only 24 hours, (at least) 4 more days to go. There are always books to read, Taskmaster episodes to binge on, or hell, I don’t know, work to catch on with maybe, but obviously my mind is somewhere else, isn’t it?

Oh well. Let’s hope the swab test result comes out negative.
In the meantime, it’s back to working at home we go.

40 – the walking contradiction

I almost find it comically ironic how I nearly screamed when the office e-mailed yesterday, telling everyone to go back to the office on May 26th. Ha ha some birthday gift, huh?

You probably could tell how I’ve been struggling with this quarantine from my previous post, but honestly I am not sure if I’m ready for it to be over this quick. I nearly howled reading that e-mail last night.

Tsk, Wina. When will you ever stop contradicting yourself so often?

[UPDATE: the WFH thing got extended. Yay, birthday at home!]

34 – the forced reset

Not sure how to react to all this pandemic virus, what with this country holding the second highest mortality rate.

Trips canceled, work disrupted, bedrooms converted, what have you.

I’m supposed to be taking a break as of now, but hey. Apparently, the Universe needs that break more than I do and that’s what it’s doing now. Mother Earth is winning right now, and there’s nothing we can do.

But am I right in thinking it’s human for me to still be pissed that I’m not going to be in the UK as I should be?

32 – the apology from the misfit

Dear family,

I love you way beyond words. I really do. No words needed, I would take a bullet for you any given second. Unfortunately, I learned during this holiday season that you are the biggest trigger to my anxiety.

All this time, it’s been my life goal to devote myself to you. No matter how busy I get, family time should always be family time. I intend on still keeping it that way for years to come.

It’s just sad that some (if not most) of you are the ones who also have the freedom to make comments at me, though they may be harmless in intention, but nonetheless hurtful. And triggering.

It’s just gotten really exhausting having to freak out every night before a family function, being excited at the thought of not being alone and actually surrounded by family that will stick with me the entire time, but also terrified of thinking what kind of comments you will throw at me, and still unable to pick up the courage to admit to any of you that I’ve got problems.

And sadly, it looks that I’ll spend the rest of my life being a disappointment to you from having you think I’ve grown more and more distant and antisocial, when in actuality I’m just not sure how to let you down with the fact that I’m so far removed of what’s been expected me so far.

I swear, I’m not being the ignorant little ass that I must seem to be right now. I’m just not sure on how I should find the middle ground. I’m sorry. It’s hard when the only two members of the family I absolutely feel comfortable with are on the other side of the globe and in another universe altogether.

18 – the worry that lingers on

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to make a commentary post about the political situation, or whatever kerfuffle is going on in Indonesia right now. God knows I don’t have the capacity to do so.

I’m just desperately trying to see a good reason of why, or rather how, I should stay here.

These past few months, I’ve been getting asked one question more than usually: why the hell did I come back to Indonesia? Right. First of all, I did leave for the sake of leaving.

Studying had a nice ring into it, but to be quite honest, it was a vessel, a reason for me to leave. At that time, I just needed to leave the country for whatever purpose. Did it feel good? Yes, for the most part. Not blaming them for any of it, but in the end family always comes first. As soon as I learned how slim my chances were of settling down in SG and taking them with me, getting back home became a priority. I thought to myself that well, it’s not like I’m going to move to a whole different place, I was simply going to be back home, to my loved ones, to go back to how life was, just slightly improved.

I’m beginning to see and feel like that might not be the case at all.

Sure, everyone was raving about “the new era of the new government”. A New Hope, some even said. But the thing that might have skipped everyone’s minds is that even in Star Wars, there were battles and wars to be won. It took Luke Skywalker 3 whole episodes to restore order wth The Force, mind you, and we can see that President Jokowi is no Jedi knight.

Of course, through a strange turn of events, I ended up the way I am now, working in a position that involves being in close relations with all sorts of government institutions. When the new administration took over, it really felt like things were finally getting better. But was it, really?

In true Indonesian fashion, when you take little steps forward, something always grabs you by the ankle and fling you backwards. Just when the government is taking baby steps battling their inner demons (if you catch my drift), the people seemed to be losing humanity. And by how things are going, I fear that we are plunging down rapidly down the evil rabbit hole.

It seems that Indonesia has been making headlines for a bit.. For all the wrong reasons. First the forest burning, the religious intolerance, the so-called uprising of the kelas menengah ngehe, the traffic that still gets worse when you think it just can’t go any worse, the obscene Halal law, the growing number of ex-ministers getting indicted for corruption, the death sentences, you name it. As much as I would have loved to stay optimistic, this country seems to running fully on knee-jerk reactions. I would only assume that from the outside looking in, anyone in the other side of the world would see us as a country flushing ourselves down into a deep shithole.

Funnily enough, the fact that I’m this worried has gotten me mixed reactions. Friends and colleagues have told me different opinions that range from “Well then that’s a good thing that you’re here, the country needs you to be here, so you can prove to the world that there is some good still left in this country” to “Well, you are easily part of the majority here and you have actually left once, if you are that insecure why don’t you just get on the next plane out?”, that I even question myself whether I am actually entitled to be worried in the first place.

I know I’ve been through a lot of things growing up in this country, I just hope I’ll be patient enough to be able to see the good part that will eventually happen. It’s just a matter of riding the waves knowing that the raging storm will pass, even though you don’t know when.