48 – the long overdue departure

Let’s not turn this into the obligatory “new year, new me!” post, despite the date. It’s not even “new year, same me”, maybe more like.. “new year, save me”.

Anyway.

Quite a lot of things happened since the previous post, and unfortunately almost none of them were in the positive sense. Holding on to hope became a task, or maybe even a chore. It was just.. a flurry of all my triggers, worst fears, and nightmares happening at once.

But you know what? I held on. I held on for dear life, and boy was I glad to see the back of 2020 last night, because I was absolutely DONE with everything from last year. No sugarcoating and all that, I was just happy to not be involved with 2020 any more.

Am I expecting a calendar switch to instantly, magically change everything for the better? .. I wish I was that naïve. But I guess it’s the idea that we all collectively get to put a chapter tab on the massive shit show and get on with the next one, and maybe.. just somehow pull a new trick and make things a bit brighter, do stuff a little smarter, and at least be a little better. If it allows us to have a chance of shutting out bad memories and if it gets people to be kinder to themselves and their surroundings, then I’m definitely down for that.

Sure enough, I’m not expecting anything grand to happen this year, nor am I putting any grand expectations on myself for this year. Should anything good happen, then yay. I’ll celebrate and enjoy as they come. I’ve been through enough last year to know better than to put any unnecessary pressure on myself. I just hope I can be gentle and consistent on myself. As long as I can get proper sleep at night, I know I’ll have made it.

So yeah.. Here’s to a new year and all that.

46 – the year of staying domestic

Today marks a full year of me completely not going anywhere outside Indonesia. Yours truly is now officially a domestic person.

At risk of sounding like a total snob or whatever, I honestly have never stayed in the country for so long since 2008. It actually feels almost unreal now that I’ve gone fully domestic for so long now.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way claiming myself as a world traveler or the like, oh no no. I am definitely not loaded enough to do so nor do I have the free time. I’ve only gone to a tiny bit of countries every now and then.

It’s just that.. There’s always that tiny excitement of being completely anonymous in a completely unfamiliar place. That sense of not having anything to look after but yourself and your happiness. The liberating feeling of being detached from your daily thoughts & worries. I need to regain that to keep my mind working well.

Södermalm, summer of 2018.

Sigh. Right, self. First we get through whatever is happening right now, then we go wandering off to sun shine and fresh air, alright? One step at a time.

43 – the (indescribable) waiting period

Thoughts, they kill, don’t they?

Though I feel relatively fine, but during these times who the fuck knows. And of course, all the work I’ve been doing on my anxiety all came crashing down. Here I am, again the nervous wreck.

I really, really, really hope my fears get proven wrong.

In the meantime, it’s the waiting part that is choking me. A bit sad on how quickly I typed the “choking” part, when it’s only the first day of waiting out of possible five. It’s been only 24 hours, (at least) 4 more days to go. There are always books to read, Taskmaster episodes to binge on, or hell, I don’t know, work to catch on with maybe, but obviously my mind is somewhere else, isn’t it?

Oh well. Let’s hope the swab test result comes out negative.
In the meantime, it’s back to working at home we go.

42 – the fresh (re)start

Yes, I took some time away. No, I did not abandon this little blog. Trust me, I had a very good reason for this.

First of all,

new (second) home! wooo!

We finally made the big move to our new office space! Look at that view from the 31st floor. Not only is unpacking a real pain, we’re also still a little shaky what with the scheduled working shifts and all. Yes, yours truly can be found at the office for the first half of the week.

Suffice to say, this has been taking up quite some time to adjust and all. In fact, I think I’m still adjusting to it now.

Second, the reason why I haven’t been as virtually active nor cheerful lately:

the poor fallen soldier 😦

My laptop died. Like, officially. After trying all sorts of tips & tricks I managed to rummage through the interwebz, I finally resorted to the good old service centre and the verdict was somewhat devastating: the logic board is completely bust. So yeah, I’m holding on to the office laptop while this baby is being treated 💔

Third and last, I finally moved to WordPress! It’s amazing how I had to withstand the frustration of having to deal with the previous host, and I’m finally not putting up with it anymore. Sure enough, a moving period was required so that’s probably another explanation for my brief silence, but big big big thank you to Kapkap, I am now a very happy WordPress user and I intend to stay!

41 – the half-month recap

Clearly, I’ve been lacking in writing. But then again, another day of not needing to vent is another good day in the pocket, no?

But yeah, a few things have happened since my last post, let’s see.

OK, so first and foremost, I TURNED 33, YO. Seriously, how did that even come to be?! I mean, it’s not like I was not expecting to have another birthday. It honestly just feels really weird to have made it to this point. You know those polls that you do when you have to pick an age group and you fall between the 25-34 category? Like, another couple of years and I will be moving up to another category. Just the thought of it sends me chills.
But on this note, I had a great one. I definitely felt all the love that was showered on me that day and given the circumstances I most definitely did not feel alone at all, which was definitely amazing in itself. I mean, yeah okay, so I still had to work and all, but I guess that’s what you do as a responsible adult, right? So yup, I got older. Well done, me.

Second, I finally got to step out of the house for the first time since March 16th, and that definitely felt really odd. All in all, I must have stayed indoors at all times for about a couple of months give or take. Let’s be real now, I know I’m an indoorsy introvert and all that, but even that was A LOT for me to endure. I felt so awkward being out and it even got to the point that I got carsick, which was definitely a bummer, noting that I live on commuting back and forth so many hours per day on any normal working day. Let’s say if the Government is indeed telling us to go back to work as soon as what the media has been telling us, then I am thoroughly fucked. I have to get through this car sickness as soon as possible, or else I’m screwed. I guess this is partly what the quarantine has done to me. Wow.

As far as I wanna try to not mention work, some part of it has been.. I don’t know how to put it. Say, ironically equal parts of exciting and disappointing. And this is not me trying to say things about going back to work because it’s a completely different subject. As far as I wanna open up on this topic I guess I’ll just leave it at this because hey, really, I know this is not a very publicly read blog but again, I really don’t know who’s reading my blog so I’m not taking any chances right now. I guess there will be more of this when things actually happen.

While we’re on the topic of disappointment, my laptop died. I put it to sleep at night just like I always do every night, and it just completely refused to wake up and that’s it, really. I’m trying not to be too bummed about it but .. come on, it’s my laptop. Even though I still have my work laptop on which I am dictating this entry on but it just feels different. And come on, it’s not even two years old, is it even supposed to get fried that soon? Oh well. I guess that’s a solid reason for me to wish that shopping centres would be open soon so that I can get my baby checked  and possibly repaired. Hopefully.

And what do you know, for once I actually made a bit of a long entry without thinking over for too long, ha.

40 – the walking contradiction

I almost find it comically ironic how I nearly screamed when the office e-mailed yesterday, telling everyone to go back to the office on May 26th. Ha ha some birthday gift, huh?

You probably could tell how I’ve been struggling with this quarantine from my previous post, but honestly I am not sure if I’m ready for it to be over this quick. I nearly howled reading that e-mail last night.

Tsk, Wina. When will you ever stop contradicting yourself so often?

[UPDATE: the WFH thing got extended. Yay, birthday at home!]

39 – the beat goes on

How many days has it been? who’s been counting by now, meh.

At least there hasn’t been any extension since the last post, I guess for now it counts as a positive development? IDK. Getting back to the office is still off the books for now, though. And that kind of sucks because the next time I get to step back to the office, it’ll be the new working space, none of us working under the big tree anymore. (OK, that tree was a huge logistic pain, but the sentimentality, Goddamn it!)

It just feels different. Relocating in 2012 was the biggest pain of my life back then. I didn’t even get to lift a finger now as everything was done for me. Of course, my anxiety has been dancing in the back of my mind since then but eh. Trust is the main factor here, let’s just hold on to hope that my team had packed everything, and by that, I mean every. single. thing.

Two weeks counting down to my birthday. Not that it matters that much, but I just feel kind of weird to be feeling celebratory right now. Yeah well, I guess let’s just see what happens by then, if it does.

Right. I know this post is pretty much just brain fart, but since I’ve made it a mission to keep this post streak going as frequent as I can, might as well, no?

38 – the extension that keeps on extending

Alright. This whole quarantine circus has just been officially extended until May 22. I wish I could figure out how to properly react to it, but in all honesty I’m just numb right now.

I’ve lost count on how many days it’s been anyways.

Well, at least now that Ramadhan is here, I’ll have something else to write about.

And also, May is around the corner. I hope the cycle of getting physically unable to get sad or feel down keeps on coming around this year. It’s been a rough couple of months for me, if anything I deserve a little birthday month feel-good. And I know it will happen. It must.

p.s: I finally counted back. It’s been day 42 today.

37 – the one month mark

Well, here we are. Hermit-ing it up at home, with nothing much to do except work. All month long. If there’s any clear message from all the mess currently going on that I can take, it’s that I should be extra careful what I wish for.

I remember thinking to myself these thoughts:

  • “Wow, I can definitely stay at home and not come out for ages”. Yeah.. Guess who’s bored out of her skull now.
  • “Screw the office life, give me something I can do every day at home and I’ll be happy”. Er.. Nah. Not that happy.
  • “Ya know, I’m actually pretty happy not having to be in touch with so many people”. ..Except that now I’m the one reaching out to them just to get whatever human interaction.

It’ s just.. weird. Weird in the sense that the introvert in me is beginning to question whether I’m still an introvert at all. Weird in the sense that as a self-proclaimed workaholic, work is absolutely driving me nuts. now. Weird in the sense that for someone who is supposed to be enjoying solitude, all I feel now is just plain numbness.

This whole thing just hasn’t panned out the way i had imagined it to be. And it’s just somewhat disappointing when what you have always thought as your perfect scene would turn out to be sucky. 

I mean, sure. there’s of course a flipside to everything that’s going on. like how I actually get to sleep properly nowadays, no more of that two-hours-of-sleep-every-day nonsense. I don’t need to fuss about my hair every single day and I have even learned to prolong the time between hair washes, which is something that I have never ever thought I would be able to do. Of course, now also comes the freedom for me to work with the music on loud. Also, for the record, working while wearing shorts is an absolute privilege. When the time comes, getting back into trousers and jeans might come somewhat problematic to me since I’ve been getting very accustomed to doing everything in shorts, and it’s just. so. goshdarned. comfortable.

But it’s just weird. I know I’ve said it in the paragraphs above, but I really don’t know how else to describe the whole condition right now. It’s just somewhat ironic, if not disappointing, seeing that I pretty much grew up wishing to be a hermit and now that I’m forced to be an actual hermit, just like everybody else, I’m not quite sure if I’m really enjoying this. It always ends up this way doesn’t it? We spend most of our lives wishing that we were somewhere else doing something else not having to deal with anyone else, and when it happens, we find ourselves not actually enjoying it that much. Cats have been getting it right the whole time. You spend most of your days wishing for something else comma and when it happens you just demand to go right back where you started the first time around.