51 – the abrupt stop

This kind of post has probably gone way too common these past few weeks, if not months.
But Goddamnit, this is my blog, and I need to get this written somewhere.

I lost one of my best friends last Saturday. And knowing me, I absolutely don’t throw around terms like “best friend” easily. Not at all. And I just lost one.

If I can be selfish for a bit, it hurts to lose someone that has been your rock for nearly 20 years now. Someone who just totally understands you and accepts you for what you do and who you are, despite being your absolute, total opposite.

But this is not about me.

What hurts even more is that this time should have been a happy moment. Childbirth should be a celebration (A new family member, new hope and all, of course. Not so much the actual process, I’m afraid). Instead, a baby had to be born before coming full term, not getting proper care at the hospital because it’s simply too dangerous to stay there, and worst of all, not being able to have her mum for the rest of her hurriedly-started life. The family had to lose their only daughter. A husband, still shy of one year of blissed married life, had to lose his wife. The whole family having to let her parents be unaware of her passing, for fear of having their own health declining from shock, since they are fighting for their own lives in another hospital.

And I can’t even help in the least bit.

This is just not fair.

This bloody pandemic, I swear..

50 – the broken little green-white heart

Sure, I’ve always been very public about being a full-on Liverpool FC supporter.
But this post is not about that. Not now.

Few might know how I’ve always had a soft spot for Bundesliga. Especially, SV Werder Bremen at that. How did I come to fall in love with them? Bog knows. I swear I can’t even remember exactly when, but that last UEFA Cup final in 2009 really caught my head.

And to be honest, I’ve kind of seen it coming for a while now, looking at their form these past few seasons. It’s been tough, no lie.

But this still hurt to read.

As much as I’m laughing over this (you have to admit, this is hysterical), this sort of thing just.. happens. I mean, it is Bundesliga after all, and this is the random fuckery that just somehow surfaces every now and then. And again, it’s no surprise Werder gets shitfanned this time. But come on, this is still upsetting. I know I haven’t been the biggest fan and all, but I’m sad.

So.. yeah.. next season in 2. Bundesliga. Guess it’s gonna be fun for me trying to find a stream and to follow them closely in their comeback to the 1. Bundesliga. And if anything, I trust that this will only make me love the club even more.

Lebenslang Grünweiß and all that shit, yo.

49 – the slow fade into the background

Who woulda thought that it would end this way.

I know I shouldn’t be so surprised, since it’s my own decision anyways. But still, making the conscious decision to leave the spot you’ve been handling since the first day of the project, over something that probably could’ve been handled differently.. Even I would personally admit that I’m still shocked I got to this decision in the first place.

But yes, this was necessary. And the more I sit on it thinking it over and over again, the more I’m convinced that I’m going down the right path. Sure, things are going to get super scary if not worrisome, but I’m fully prepared to face whatever’s coming next (well, at least hopefully).

So, yeah. Goodbye LinkAja, thanks for having been my second home for the past 2.5 years.

48 – the long overdue departure

Let’s not turn this into the obligatory “new year, new me!” post, despite the date. It’s not even “new year, same me”, maybe more like.. “new year, save me”.

Anyway.

Quite a lot of things happened since the previous post, and unfortunately almost none of them were in the positive sense. Holding on to hope became a task, or maybe even a chore. It was just.. a flurry of all my triggers, worst fears, and nightmares happening at once.

But you know what? I held on. I held on for dear life, and boy was I glad to see the back of 2020 last night, because I was absolutely DONE with everything from last year. No sugarcoating and all that, I was just happy to not be involved with 2020 any more.

Am I expecting a calendar switch to instantly, magically change everything for the better? .. I wish I was that naïve. But I guess it’s the idea that we all collectively get to put a chapter tab on the massive shit show and get on with the next one, and maybe.. just somehow pull a new trick and make things a bit brighter, do stuff a little smarter, and at least be a little better. If it allows us to have a chance of shutting out bad memories and if it gets people to be kinder to themselves and their surroundings, then I’m definitely down for that.

Sure enough, I’m not expecting anything grand to happen this year, nor am I putting any grand expectations on myself for this year. Should anything good happen, then yay. I’ll celebrate and enjoy as they come. I’ve been through enough last year to know better than to put any unnecessary pressure on myself. I just hope I can be gentle and consistent on myself. As long as I can get proper sleep at night, I know I’ll have made it.

So yeah.. Here’s to a new year and all that.

47 – the art of waking up with hope

It’s amazing how a little time off from everyone and everything has helped me see things a bit clearer, and I’m going to just put it at that instead of diving into all the gory details.

It’s also a little bit funny how having this song as my wake-up alarm has helped me maintain some sense of positivity and hope every day. Definitely easier to listen to than the blaring scream tones, right?

On to healthier and happier times ahead.

46 – the year of staying domestic

Today marks a full year of me completely not going anywhere outside Indonesia. Yours truly is now officially a domestic person.

At risk of sounding like a total snob or whatever, I honestly have never stayed in the country for so long since 2008. It actually feels almost unreal now that I’ve gone fully domestic for so long now.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way claiming myself as a world traveler or the like, oh no no. I am definitely not loaded enough to do so nor do I have the free time. I’ve only gone to a tiny bit of countries every now and then.

It’s just that.. There’s always that tiny excitement of being completely anonymous in a completely unfamiliar place. That sense of not having anything to look after but yourself and your happiness. The liberating feeling of being detached from your daily thoughts & worries. I need to regain that to keep my mind working well.

Södermalm, summer of 2018.

Sigh. Right, self. First we get through whatever is happening right now, then we go wandering off to sun shine and fresh air, alright? One step at a time.

45 – the ineffable slip-up

It happened again.

You know exactly what I mean, right? The complete lack of will to do absolutely anything. Even logging on to my laptop and having to listen to people converse in a meeting (without me having to even chime in) sent me into an unexplainable crying fit.

This time, thankfully, it came over with a weird urge to.. work out. Every morning. Maybe my subconscious mind was desperate for that hint of serotonin? Bog knows. Food binges were somehow not present. Good thing, you say? I dunno. Yeah, I didn’t want to eat whatever comes to mind. At the same time, I also didn’t want anything at all. Not a thing.

But hey. Notice how I started this post in past tense.
I’m grateful that I managed to keep in mind that these things happen and they would pass, and I’d be back soon enough.

Fingers crossed I’m on the mend this time around, and here’s hoping this doesn’t happen again soon.

43 – the (indescribable) waiting period

Thoughts, they kill, don’t they?

Though I feel relatively fine, but during these times who the fuck knows. And of course, all the work I’ve been doing on my anxiety all came crashing down. Here I am, again the nervous wreck.

I really, really, really hope my fears get proven wrong.

In the meantime, it’s the waiting part that is choking me. A bit sad on how quickly I typed the “choking” part, when it’s only the first day of waiting out of possible five. It’s been only 24 hours, (at least) 4 more days to go. There are always books to read, Taskmaster episodes to binge on, or hell, I don’t know, work to catch on with maybe, but obviously my mind is somewhere else, isn’t it?

Oh well. Let’s hope the swab test result comes out negative.
In the meantime, it’s back to working at home we go.

42 – the fresh (re)start

Yes, I took some time away. No, I did not abandon this little blog. Trust me, I had a very good reason for this.

First of all,

new (second) home! wooo!

We finally made the big move to our new office space! Look at that view from the 31st floor. Not only is unpacking a real pain, we’re also still a little shaky what with the scheduled working shifts and all. Yes, yours truly can be found at the office for the first half of the week.

Suffice to say, this has been taking up quite some time to adjust and all. In fact, I think I’m still adjusting to it now.

Second, the reason why I haven’t been as virtually active nor cheerful lately:

the poor fallen soldier 😦

My laptop died. Like, officially. After trying all sorts of tips & tricks I managed to rummage through the interwebz, I finally resorted to the good old service centre and the verdict was somewhat devastating: the logic board is completely bust. So yeah, I’m holding on to the office laptop while this baby is being treated 💔

Third and last, I finally moved to WordPress! It’s amazing how I had to withstand the frustration of having to deal with the previous host, and I’m finally not putting up with it anymore. Sure enough, a moving period was required so that’s probably another explanation for my brief silence, but big big big thank you to Kapkap, I am now a very happy WordPress user and I intend to stay!