20 – the message you’ll never read anyway.
Hey. I know you’ll never see or read this, and that’s exactly why I posted here. Chicken shit, I know. But then again, straightforward communication has never been our strongest suit anyway.
Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed what we had. I really did. ..Or at least what I thought we had anyways. For what it’s worth, you really know how to make someone feel special. I especially enjoyed the comfort of knowing that there is actually someone who seemed to understand me so well. I appreciate the fact that you always leaned in to hear me better instead of making me speak louder in a crowd. And of course, the sweet little nothing comments you give that always put me off guard. Every single time. I loved how you just successfully pull off the little things that matter. It’s like you managed to read through me so thoroughly, and not a lot of people have succeeded in doing so. And I especially love how you seem to pull that off effortlessly.
But here’s the thing : I’m letting you go, and I’m sure you know what I mean this time.
The thing is, knowing that you are doing a much better job at doing this with someone else is absolutely killing me.
In case you were actually thinking you’re still dodging bullet after bullet, let me tell you that your luck has finally ran out, boy. Yes, I know. I remember clearly having told you this once, and now I’ll say it again: This city is a big city, but when it comes to connections, it’s crazy small. And don’t you even dare try thinking social media is an easy cover up, since everyone’s connected to each other when you’re in Jakarta. Like it or not, people are bound to come across posts you try to hide.
Sadly, that is not the only thing I need to point out here.
One thing I would have hoped to change is the violent swings. Look, I know you get stressed easily and that things weigh down on you immensely, but that doesn’t earn you to treat everyone else like crap. If I didn’t know you better, I would have easily called you a bipolar wreck. While I have to thank you for turning me into a way more patient person in the past few months, I must say that I could only take so much. I can’t keep on guessing whether I’m going to get treated like a royal cupcake or like a muddy doormat every time we speak.
Am I angry at you? No. You are the way you are now for whatever reasons only you know, and I’ve only been too small a part of your life to even think about asking you to change. And from what I’ve seen, it’s no use to ask now.
I’m just writing this note to finally get this chip off of my shoulder, so maybe I can finally sleep tonight.
Just in case you actually get to read this note, it’s alright. Again, I’m not angry. I’m alright, and after this I’m sure I’ll be better. I’m also sure you’ll feel better too, cos hey, one less hassle to think about, right? Then we can maybe finally move on and get along better when occasions actually rise and call for us to see each other again. Just like what you told me once, I’m the girl who takes big punches like a pro. No need to worry. I’ll dust myself off nicely, and carry on, the way I’m sure you will. Who knows, maybe we’ll all be at least a bit happier?
I’m not gonna burden you with the obligation to respond, since I won’t be around when you’re here again anyway. I just thought I needed to spill this somewhere for the record. You know how I used to suddenly text you with whatever mundane thoughts? Just consider this post another one of those. No biggie.
I’m not sure when or how we’ll see each other again, but I do know one thing: I’ll be at peace with the way things are, with the way we are. I hope you will, too.
Take care, you, and please treat her better than this. You know you should.