I’ve always had this plan in my mind that my loft should be able to be my living space. And granted, day 10 of me sticking at home, it has proven quite alright at doing so.
But something just struck me this morning: How long is this thing going to stick around? What if this becomes the new normal? What if when all this blows over, people actually find it hard to get back to how things were?
Ah, to be (somewhat) young, homebound and overthinking..
Not sure how to react to all this pandemic virus, what with this country holding the second highest mortality rate.
Trips canceled, work disrupted, bedrooms converted, what have you.
I’m supposed to be taking a break as of now, but hey. Apparently, the Universe needs that break more than I do and that’s what it’s doing now. Mother Earth is winning right now, and there’s nothing we can do.
But am I right in thinking it’s human for me to still be pissed that I’m not going to be in the UK as I should be?
I love you way beyond words. I really do. No words needed, I would take a bullet for you any given second. Unfortunately, I learned during this holiday season that you are the biggest trigger to my anxiety.
All this time, it’s been my life goal to devote myself to you. No matter how busy I get, family time should always be family time. I intend on still keeping it that way for years to come.
It’s just sad that some (if not most) of you are the ones who also have the freedom to make comments at me, though they may be harmless in intention, but nonetheless hurtful. And triggering.
It’s just gotten really exhausting having to freak out every night before a family function, being excited at the thought of not being alone and actually surrounded by family that will stick with me the entire time, but also terrified of thinking what kind of comments you will throw at me, and still unable to pick up the courage to admit to any of you that I’ve got problems.
And sadly, it looks that I’ll spend the rest of my life being a disappointment to you from having you think I’ve grown more and more distant and antisocial, when in actuality I’m just not sure how to let you down with the fact that I’m so far removed of what’s been expected me so far.
I swear, I’m not being the ignorant little ass that I must seem to be right now. I’m just not sure on how I should find the middle ground. I’m sorry. It’s hard when the only two members of the family I absolutely feel comfortable with are on the other side of the globe and in another universe altogether.
Funny thing they are, springs. Sure, you get them flowers blooming all pretty and whatnot, but you also still get the cold chill, you get the pollen allergy, rain and all. But then really, how can you mind it when it’s that pretty outside?
I went to the UK last month-ish. Anyone who knows me since way back then would know how major this is for me. Or at least how major that should have been. Liverpool and London, for 11 days. Sounds like the stuff I had been dreaming of since I was.. I don’t know, 9-10 years old? You’d probably guess that second sentence should’ve been “OMG YOU GUYS! I FINALLY GOT TO GO TO THE UK!”. Alas, of course something had to happen.. or some things, more like. Work just happened to become nearly unbearable. School exam got postponed to the exact week of my leaving. A certain little heartbreak happened. Health problems ensued.
I really hope nobody will ever get to feel the way I did just before boarding my flight. Knowing that you’re going to the place you’ve been dreaming of for a long long time, and not actually wanting to go at all, not sure if you’re going to want to do anything at all there. That felt utterly terrible, that much I can say.
As if it wasn’t enough, the weather in Liverpool was not sparing me any mercy at all. I’m a fairly tough girl, but under the need of serious medication and high fever after more than 24 hours of traveling, the slightest gust of wind sent me spiraling for a bit. I was so sure that trip was doomed right from the start.
Somehow, ironically, it was something told by the said heartbreaker that suddenly clicked within my head one day while aimlessly strolling through the city: “This is the spring time for you. Things are planted. Wait for them to grow”. I looked outside right away and the view was the one I had posted above.
Nobody could have told me that wasn’t a sign that things are going to turn around.
Sure enough, I started feeling heaps better and finally started enjoying the remainder of the trip. Even more so, the weather in London just happened to be lovely as I got there. I don’t care how Londoners said it was technically the hottest Easter they’ve had in a really long time, to me it was great weather, full stop. Bad mood and sentimentality (and also sickness) aside, I managed to have a great time and enjoyed myself. I finally got my chance to enjoy the UK. Best of all, I managed to ride out the intrusive thoughts and not come home a complete wreck.
You have no idea how thankful I am to have made this progress. Hey, any progress, no matter how small, is progress nonetheless. At least I got to claim this little victory for now. And damnit, this girl with a lot going on in her mind and body actually managed to balance work, life, and health. Tell me you wouldn’t be thankful if it was you. You can’t tell me I’m not getting better. I may not be much healthier now, but I’m definitely living with myself way better.