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23 – The gridlocked life

23 – The gridlocked life

After all this time, I think I should call the conclusion that dealing with the traffic in Jakarta actually takes a toll on you.

For these past few weeks, the traffic jams have been absolutely nuts. By nuts, I mean standstill bumper-to-bumper traffic on the toll road at 6.15 am, and actually getting surprised when getting home at night only takes 1.5 hours.

Really, you can’t help but to think “Why the bloody hell did I leave Singapore for this?” after a while.

Hey government, I know you’ve been telling everyone that as soon as the road constructions etc are done all of this will go away. I’m telling you, it had better work, and it had better be absolutely fantastic..

22 – the long silent struggle

22 – the long silent struggle

So, it’s been a long time since I was last here.

Not gonna lie, it’s been hard going while I was away. I couldn’t write about it at the time, I guess I was doing my best not to turn this whole blog into a full-on pity party. But yeah, battling depression took most of my time while I was away. To be honest, I still find it uncomfortable to write about how I felt back then. Things got worse and worse, and it came to a point where it was either that or ending things altogether.

In case you were wondering, the thought of offing myself came really close. Several times. On top of that, having people close to you just go “Nah you’re just tired, sleep it off, tomorrow’s a new day” or “Why should you be depressed? You have a good job, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on” just made it worse. I got to a point where I didn’t want to “sleep it off” because the idea of having to wake up again in the morning seemed like such a nightmare. I was so far down I turned from the girl who barely cried at her own sister’s funeral to the girl who burst into tears at 3.30 am just because waking up simply meant I had to face yet another day, and just the thought of it was way too much already.

It must have been pure luck that a month before my 30th birthday a tiny part of my brain just suddenly went flashing “THAT’S IT, GET HELP. NOW”. Looking back, I really could have ended up the other way. I’m glad I chose to tell my parents about it. I’m lucky to have managed to get help.

And what now? I don’t know, really. It’s still a struggle every once in a while, but at least I’m better prepared now. At least I have my options now.

Considering that writing has been prescribed as one of the methods to help me, here’s hoping I’ll be back here more often. With good stuff also, not just the bad thoughts 🙂

17 – the like in I love you

17 – the like in I love you

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It’s almost stupid, how I suddenly find myself back in this situation. Just when I thought I was done with the silliness, turns out it’s not the case at all. And above all, it had to be you. Out of all the people inhabiting this earth.

Not that I mind..

16 – the breakdown

16 – the breakdown

I didn’t even make it 10 days straight, that Goddamned challenge.

No, I didn’t fall sick or something. And work hasn’t been unusually busy or something, save for some meetings and appointments. Nothing quite out of the ordinary, really.

So why did I fall off the wagon? I simply got too tired. Not in the sense that I was so worn out that I couldn’t sit down to write, oh no. It’s just that I learned the hard way, scheduled blogging is not my thing. Either that, or mental fatigue is taking its toll.

But in all fairness though, how does one get to conclude that they have been hit by mental fatigue? How burned out do you have to be to earn the “Spare me a break, I’m mentally exhausted” card?

For once though, I’m not going to let this self-diagnosed pity party get to me. I’m making small changes lately, let’s see if it works..

14 – Day 8 – the fight to stay alive

14 – Day 8 – the fight to stay alive

Day 8 : Share something you struggle with

I guess I shouldn’t be going around the issue, now that it has been around for some time.

 

Not only my weight is a big problem, the face that my whole body is a catch-22 just gets too stressful at times.

I started law school not even weighing 40 kgs, having absolutely nothing on me and looking like an emaciated boy. No lie. As school started rolling in, biological hours started going awry and so did eating habits and resting habits. Hence, massive weight gain. If you think I’m being too much, try gaining nearly 20 kgs. That’s already half the size I was. So yes, that was quite a big change.

Things started going even further south when I started working, and all physical activity just completely went out the window. 2011-2012 were quite literally the worst times my body ever had to endure, peaking at getting obscenely near to liver failure. Slowly, I decided to change for the better and developed a jogging habit. Things started going for the better, slightly. However, I didn’t push myself enough. Pushing myself that hard just seemed a bit pointless when you only have a couple of hours on the weekends, you see?

Enter grad school. The big move to Singapore, walk walk walk everywhere. What’s a little sunburn, but what mattered is that I could pull more runs. Living right across the Botanic Gardens just seemed the perfect fit. 2 KMs slowly became 5, which then became 7, and 10 and then 12. I braved getting involved in runs, despite lacking techniques and sucking so bad in my timing. But hey, as long as it gets me moving, right? Wrong. Law grad school = bye bye rest. To be honest, I’m still not sure how I managed to stay alive with such little sleep and nutrition (Mind you, I moved abroad not knowing how to cook. Bloody hell, I didn’t even have the guts to turn on the gas stove), I still think it’s a miracle that I’m still alive now.

However, it seems that one can only do so much damage to their own body. Arrythmia is no joke, apparently. And what sucks is that I’ve had it all along. Gone were my days of long runs, and I still tried to maintain a steady gym schedule. But to be honest, it’s gets mentally tiring working out to get healthy and ending up collapsing in the process, a few times over. Having to take medicines prior to a workout just so I could survive, it just feels absolutely ridiculous. Sure, I try to regulate my intakes and my resting hours. But in all honesty, that can only help so much.

 

Hence, the big struggle: maintaining my body when all it has been doing throughout my whole existence is staging a coup against me.

4 – the fresh change

4 – the fresh change

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Chances are, if you had known me since before 2009, you would know that my short hair has always come to be.

So how did I end up growing it long these past 7 years? Truth be told, I don’t know. It was enjoyable though, especially getting to find out how thick my hair actually is.

But now, it’s time for a change back to how it’s always supposed to be. IDK ’bout you people, but I’m living like it’s 2009 all over again.

3 – the nostalgia that hits hard

3 – the nostalgia that hits hard

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So maybe I miss living there. Being there.

I know it’s a completely different scheme without school and all, but still. If I’m gonna be miserable anyway, I’d rather be miserable there than here. I know the people are so wildly different from way back then, but maybe that would be even better? I dunno.

Yet another one on the list of things everyone else gets by with so easily but not the case for me.

Singapore, you are the big lump in the throat that I can never get over.