32 – the apology from the misfit
I love you way beyond words. I really do. No words needed, I would take a bullet for you any given second. Unfortunately, I learned during this holiday season that you are the biggest trigger to my anxiety.
All this time, it’s been my life goal to devote myself to you. No matter how busy I get, family time should always be family time. I intend on still keeping it that way for years to come.
It’s just sad that some (if not most) of you are the ones who also have the freedom to make comments at me, though they may be harmless in intention, but nonetheless hurtful. And triggering.
It’s just gotten really exhausting having to freak out every night before a family function, being excited at the thought of not being alone and actually surrounded by family that will stick with me the entire time, but also terrified of thinking what kind of comments you will throw at me, and still unable to pick up the courage to admit to any of you that I’ve got problems.
And sadly, it looks that I’ll spend the rest of my life being a disappointment to you from having you think I’ve grown more and more distant and antisocial, when in actuality I’m just not sure how to let you down with the fact that I’m so far removed of what’s been expected me so far.
I swear, I’m not being the ignorant little ass that I must seem to be right now. I’m just not sure on how I should find the middle ground. I’m sorry. It’s hard when the only two members of the family I absolutely feel comfortable with are on the other side of the globe and in another universe altogether.