28 – the tiny bit of hope

What a year you’ve been, 2018.

All my plans practically went flying out of the window quite early on, and I was practically just drifting along with whatever The Universe was throwing my way, day by day. 2018 gave me the year in which I went on to do all the things I would have never even thought of doing, in both a good AND bad way.

The nosedive moments were particularly bad. It got so bad to the point that I came to the intention of offing myself. I’m still mildly horrified by the fact that I actually came to this decision and was somewhat excited to plan all this. It’s not like something big happened and hit me right in the face the way 2016 and 2017 had gone for me, in fact things were so.. flat. It seemed like nothing was going anywhere and yet the pressure just kept piling on and on, health-wise I was doing absolutely terrible, and I genuinely felt like I had nowhere else to go and saw no other way but to feel like a lump of rock sinking in the ocean. I was doubting my ability to even feel anything anymore.

And yet somehow, a lot of things suddenly started to happen (not sure if I should start listing them down here), and I came to the thought: you know what, I can actually get through all this. Sure, I felt a lot of pain along the way, but I actually felt something. I was still alive, after all.  I went on to realize that there is still so much left to see, to do, to feel. Goddamnit, if the Universe had decided that my time was enough, I definitely would have been done with by now. But nope, I’m still here and for whatever reason it is, I’m still serving a purpose by being here.

I guess to sum it up, 2018 has been the year that gave me so much love, taught me so much patience and got me through so much pain. What do I have planned for 2019? Nothing. I guess, I just need to keep going where the light is.  And fuck it, if I survived 2018, pretty sure I’ll be strong enough for 2019. Zero expectation, but I’ll be full of hope. Come at me, 2019.

 

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