22 – the long silent struggle

So, it’s been a long time since I was last here.

Not gonna lie, it’s been hard going while I was away. I couldn’t write about it at the time, I guess I was doing my best not to turn this whole blog into a full-on pity party. But yeah, battling depression took most of my time while I was away. To be honest, I still find it uncomfortable to write about how I felt back then. Things got worse and worse, and it came to a point where it was either that or ending things altogether.

In case you were wondering, the thought of offing myself came really close. Several times. On top of that, having people close to you just go “Nah you’re just tired, sleep it off, tomorrow’s a new day” or “Why should you be depressed? You have a good job, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on” just made it worse. I got to a point where I didn’t want to “sleep it off” because the idea of having to wake up again in the morning seemed like such a nightmare. I was so far down I turned from the girl who barely cried at her own sister’s funeral to the girl who burst into tears at 3.30 am just because waking up simply meant I had to face yet another day, and just the thought of it was way too much already.

It must have been pure luck that a month before my 30th birthday a tiny part of my brain just suddenly went flashing “THAT’S IT, GET HELP. NOW”. Looking back, I really could have ended up the other way. I’m glad I chose to tell my parents about it. I’m lucky to have managed to get help.

And what now? I don’t know, really. It’s still a struggle every once in a while, but at least I’m better prepared now. At least I have my options now.

Considering that writing has been prescribed as one of the methods to help me, here’s hoping I’ll be back here more often. With good stuff also, not just the bad thoughts 🙂

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